What did the big staircase say to the little staircase.........................................................................hi ya stoop!

So back when I was married, I was in Walmart with her while she was doing some shopping, and of course what she wanted was on the top shelf, so she asked me to lift her up ....

I turned and started walking down the asile ... she asked, "Where are you going? I need a lift!" ... I replied, "I know .... I am going over to Automotive to get a FLOOR JACK!!!"

One of the many reasons I am single today !!!

Revival Meeting

After the revival had concluded, the three pastors were discussing the results with one another. The Methodist minister said, "The revival worked out great for us! We gained four new families." The Baptist preacher said, "We did better than that! We gained six new families." The Presbyterian pastor said, "Well, we did even better than that! We got rid of our ten biggest trouble makers!"

Millionaire John is appearing on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" with Regis Philbin.

Regis, "John, you're up to $500,000 with one lifeline left: phone a friend. If you get it right, the next question is worth one million dollars. If you get it wrong, you drop back to $32,000. Are you ready?" John, "Yes."

Regis, "Which of the following birds does not build its own nest? Is it A)robin, B) sparrow, C) cuckoo, or D) pigeon."

John, "I'd like to phone a friend. I'd like to call Mary." Mary answers the phone: "Hello?" Regis, "Hello Mary, it's Regis Philbin from Who Wants to be a Millionaire. I have your friend John here who needs your help to answer the one million dollar question. The next voice you hear will be John's..."

John, "Mary, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it A) robin, B) sparrow, C) cuckoo, or D) pigeon."

Mary, "Oh, John. That's simple. It's a cuckoo." John: "Are you sure?" Mary, "I'm sure." Regis, " You heard Mary. Do you keep the $500,000 or play for the million?"

John, "I want to play; I'll go with C) cuckoo." Regis, "Is that your final answer?" John, "Yes." Regis "Are you confident?" John "Yes; I think Mary's pretty smart." Regis, "You said C) cuckoo, and you're right!

Congratulations, you have just won one million dollars!" To celebrate, John flies Mary to New York. That night they go out on the town.

As they're celebrating, John looks at Mary and asks her, "Tell me, how did you know that it was the cuckoo that does not build its own nest?" "That's easy, everybody knows they live in clocks."

Managers' Quotes Recently, a magazine ran a contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life managers. Here are some of the submissions:

- As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp in Redmond, WA.)

- What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping) - E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

- This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

- Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them. (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

- Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

- We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)

- One day my Boss asked for a status report concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.)