Dirty Jokes are OFF On
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10/11/2013 from owen5.6

Q. How many Microsoft support staff does it take to change a light bulb?

A. Four. One to ask "What is the registration number of the light bulb?", one to ask "Have you tried rebooting it?", another to ask "Have you tried reinstalling it?" and the last one to say "It must be your hardware because the light bulb in our office works fine..."
 
10/10/2013 from ryan5.6

A teacher asked a student to write 55. Student asked: How? 

Teacher: Write 5 and beside it another 5!  The student wrote 5 and stopped. 
 
Teacher: What are you waiting for? Student: I don't know which side to write the other 5! 
 
10/10/2013 from peter6.2

Husband says; "When I'm gone you'll never find another man like me".

Wife replied; "What makes you think I'd want another man like you!"
 
10/09/2013 from ron6

A fellow was very much in love with a beautiful girl. One day she told him that the next day was her birthday. He told her he would send her a bouquet of roses... one for each year of her life.

That evening he called the local florist and ordered twenty-one roses with instructions that they be delivered first thing the next morning.
 
As the florist was preparing the order, he decided that since the young man was such a good customer, he would put an extra dozen roses in the bouquet.
 
The fellow never did find out what made the young girl so angry with him.
 
10/09/2013 from yari5.7

At a friend's wedding, everything went smoothly until it was time for the flower girl and her young escort to come down the aisle.

The boy stopped at every pew, growling at the guests. When asked afterward why he behaved so badly, he explained, "I was just trying to be a good ring bear."
 
10/09/2013 from jim5.7

A family of three tomatoes were walking downtown one day when the little baby tomato started lagging behind.

The big father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stomps on her, squashing her into a red paste, and says, "Ketchup!"

 
10/08/2013 from jauqueline5.5

Two friends visit a Stadium.

First: Why are all these people running?
 
Second: This is a race, the winner will get the cup.
 
First: If only winner will get the cup, why are others running?
 
10/08/2013 from paul5.8
A young boy asked is father, "Dad, do lawyers ever tell the truth?"
 
The father thought for a moment, "Yes son, sometimes a lawyer will do anything to win a case!"
 
10/07/2013 from Tim5.7

A man walked into the office in a school.

“Excuse me,” he said to the secretary “I would like to come to school, I want to learn to read and write.”

“OK,” the secretary responded in a bored voice, “just fill out this form.”

 
10/07/2013 from howard5.7

Sarah, a Sales Associate at Walmart, notices a man in the card section. When she walks by an hour later and sees him still there she walks over to see if she can help.

“Can I help you?” she asks. “Well I don’t know” the man responds “I’m having a problem, I can’t find anything that my wife would believe!”

 
10/06/2013 from maggy5.4

 

One day a tiger was walking through the jungle, tiger saw two men relaxing under a tree. One was reading a newspaper, and the other was working feverishly on a manual typewriter.

The tiger leapt on the man with the newspaper, and ate him up. The tiger did not bother the other man at all. That’s because any predator knows that readers digest but writers cramp.

 

10/06/2013 from sally5.6

 

Dad: Shame on you, Jimmy. Why did you hit your little sister?

Jimmy: Well, Daddy, we were playing Adam and Eve with the apple and all. Well, instead of tempting me with that apple, she ate the thing herself!

 

10/05/2013 from wendy5.8

 

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
 

10/05/2013 from pam5.5

 

At a nerd wedding they don't say, "I do."

They say, "I accept the terms and conditions."

 

10/04/2013 from stacy5.9

A duck walks into a feed store and asks, "Got any duck feed?"  The clerk tells him, "No, we don't have a market for it so we don't carry it." The duck says, "Okay," and leaves. 

The next day, the duck again walks in to the feed store and asks, "Got any duck feed?" Again the clerk says no and the duck leaves. 
Next day, the duck once again walks in, and asks, "Got any duck feed?" 
The clerk says, "I've told you twice, we don't have duck feed, we've never had duck feed and we never will have duck feed. If you ask me again, I'll nail your feet to the floor." The duck leaves. 
The next day, the duck walks in and asks, "Got any nails?" 
"No." 
"Got any duck feed?" 
 
10/04/2013 from roslyn5.2

A programmer is going to the grocery store and his wife tells him, "Buy a gallon of milk, and if there are eggs, buy a dozen." So the programmer goes, buys everything, and drives back to his house.

Upon arrival, his wife angrily asks him, "Why did you get 13 gallons of milk?" The programmer says, "There were eggs!"

 
10/03/2013 from roy5.4

A friend came to visit and stayed with us for about 3 days. Later on the 3rd day, i asked if he knew the difference between toilet paper and a shower curtain.

He replied "No?" , so i said to him, "So your the one!"

 

10/03/2013 from uma5.4

A Husband and wife were on an African Safari when a lion suddenly dragged Rabri with his jaws. 

Wife: Shoot him, Shoot him! 
 
Husband: Wait! Wait! Let me change the battery of my camera.
 
10/02/2013 from dylan5.2

Harry, to the physics department. "Why do I always have to give you guys so much money, for laboratories and expensive equipment and stuff. Why couldn't you be like the math department - all they need is money for pencils, paper and waste-paper baskets. Or even better, like the philosophy department. All they need are pencils and paper." 

 
10/02/2013 from bertha5.9

The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading.

After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, “Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude…?”
 
After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, “I guess you’d be eating alone.”
 
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