Dirty Jokes are OFF On
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10/02/2013 from gabi5.8

Teacher: “This essay on your dog is, word for word, the same as your brother’s.”

Student: Yes, sir, it is the same dog.”
 
10/01/2013 from luke5.6

A son calls his mother. Mom how are you. Mom replies. Not too good. I haven't eaten in 38 days.

Replying with concern, the son asks "what's the matter mom, are you not feeling well, have you been to the doctor?"
 
Mom replies, not that, "I didn't want to have my mouth full of food when you called."
 
10/01/2013 from lizzie5.8

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail, a ticket for $40.00, and a photo of his car.

Instead of the payment, he sent the police department a photograph of two $20.00 bills.
 
Several days later, he received a letter from the police department that contained another picture, of a pair of handcuffs.
 
09/30/2013 from Raj5.7

At a business gathering of a large corporation the sales manager was complimenting on the salesman of the year's achievements I am extremely proud of Mr. Levin's achievement this past year.

He had an increase of $1.2 million in sales...the irony was he had a major surgery and was out recuperating for 3 months what does that mean?

A voice from the rear shouted back " With a $1.2 m sales increase Mr. Levin's medical bill would be paid."

 

09/30/2013 from sylvia5.9

Ann: “Dad, can you write in the dark?”

Dad: “I think so. What do you want me to write?”
 
Ann: “Your name on this report card.”
 
09/30/2013 from tonya5.8

 A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his message. The man returned just before the conclusion of the service. Afterwards the pastor asked the man where he had gone.

"I went to get a haircut," was the reply.
 
"But," said the pastor, "why didn't you do that before the service?"
 
"Because," the gentleman said, "I didn't need one then."
 
09/29/2013 from conrad5.7

 

Nurse: Doctor, the man you just treated collapsed on the front step. What should I do?

Doctor: Turn him around so it looks like he was just arriving!
 

09/29/2013 from laureen5.6

 

Faced with hard times, the company offered a bonus of $100.00 to any employee who could come up with a plan to save money. The bonus went to a young man in accounting who suggested limiting future bonuses to $10.00.
 

09/29/2013 from dana5.8

 

Walking into gym class I yelled “all right, everybody on their backs!”  to the third-grade class. “I want you to pretend you’re riding a bike.” Dropping to the floor, the students began kicking their legs in the air all except for one boy who slowly moved one leg in the air while keeping the other on the floor.

“What’s wrong?” asked the gym teacher. “Isn’t it obvious?” said the boy. “I’ve got a flat.”
 

09/28/2013 from abby5.1

 

Once a man was coming out of the airport.

As there was huge rush the security guard told him “WAIT SIR“…

To which he replied “65Kgs” and moved on…

 

09/28/2013 from lisa5.6

 

Santa was busy in removing a wheel from auto!

Banta asks : Why are you removing a wheel from your auto?

Santa : Can’t u read ‘Parking for two wheelers only’.

09/27/2013 from Jack 5.1

A lego man was walking down the street, a car hits him and he falls to pieces. A nearby witness called 911 and said "Somebody help, a lego man had just god mauled by a car!", soon a paramedic came and took him to hospital "Im not sure how to say this, but he's dead!" said the docter who took care of him, an 8 year old boy came and said:

"Don't worry, this had happened to me too, and I know just what to do."

 

09/27/2013 from adrianne5.4

“How do you like my new swimming pool?” – a man asked the girl next door.

“Very nice,” the girl replied, “but why isn’t there any water in it?”
 
“Because,” said the man, “I don’t know how to swim.”
 
09/27/2013 from alison5.1

Two kids were hiking and were surrounded by huge granite cliffs. “I wonder where all this stone came from?” – one boy asked.

“I know,” said the other boy. “It came down when the glaciers came through here.”
 
“Well, the rock is here but where are the glaciers?” – asked the other.
 
“Well, er, uh, ahem. Well, I suppose the glaciers went back for more rock.” – was the reply.
 
09/26/2013 from melanie6.3

One spelling mistake can destroy marriage!

A husband wrote a message to his wife on his official trip and forgot to add 'e' at the end of a word,
 
"I am having such a wonderful time! Wish you were her."
 
09/26/2013 from steven5.9

 "I need to talk to you..." is the one sentence that has the power to make you remember every bad thing you've ever done in your life.

 
09/26/2013 from mary jane5.9

A doctor is talking to a car mechanic, “Your fee is several times more per hour then we get paid for medical care.”

“Yeah, but you see, doc, you have always the same model, it hasn’t changed since Adam; but we have to keep up to date with new models coming every month.”
 
09/25/2013 from alexandra6

A blonde, brunette and redhead woman decided to compete in the Breast Stroke division of the English Channel swim competition. The brunette came in first, the redhead second. The blonde finally reached the shore completely exhausted.

After being revived with blankets and a drink she remarked, "I don't want to complain, but I'm pretty sure those other two girls used their arms.

 
09/25/2013 from andy5.3

Two blondes walking down the street.  One reaches into her pocketbook for a make up compact and looks into the mirror.  "This picture looks like someone I know" she says.  

The other one has a look and says, "Of course dummy, it's ME...."

 
09/24/2013 from jack5.6

A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened.

The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied “I don't know, it all happened so fast.”
 
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