A son calls his mother. Mom how are you. Mom replies. Not too good. I haven't eaten in 38 days.
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail, a ticket for $40.00, and a photo of his car.
At a business gathering of a large corporation the sales manager was complimenting on the salesman of the year's achievements I am extremely proud of Mr. Levin's achievement this past year.
He had an increase of $1.2 million in sales...the irony was he had a major surgery and was out recuperating for 3 months what does that mean?
A voice from the rear shouted back " With a $1.2 m sales increase Mr. Levin's medical bill would be paid."
A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his message. The man returned just before the conclusion of the service. Afterwards the pastor asked the man where he had gone.
Walking into gym class I yelled “all right, everybody on their backs!” to the third-grade class. “I want you to pretend you’re riding a bike.” Dropping to the floor, the students began kicking their legs in the air all except for one boy who slowly moved one leg in the air while keeping the other on the floor.
“What’s wrong?” asked the gym teacher. “Isn’t it obvious?” said the boy. “I’ve got a flat.”
A lego man was walking down the street, a car hits him and he falls to pieces. A nearby witness called 911 and said "Somebody help, a lego man had just god mauled by a car!", soon a paramedic came and took him to hospital "Im not sure how to say this, but he's dead!" said the docter who took care of him, an 8 year old boy came and said:
"Don't worry, this had happened to me too, and I know just what to do."
Two kids were hiking and were surrounded by huge granite cliffs. “I wonder where all this stone came from?” – one boy asked.
A doctor is talking to a car mechanic, “Your fee is several times more per hour then we get paid for medical care.”
A blonde, brunette and redhead woman decided to compete in the Breast Stroke division of the English Channel swim competition. The brunette came in first, the redhead second. The blonde finally reached the shore completely exhausted.
After being revived with blankets and a drink she remarked, "I don't want to complain, but I'm pretty sure those other two girls used their arms.
A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened.