When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."
He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar."
The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."
Teacher:- "Right, there are five birds sitting on a telephone line. A farmer comes along with his gun and shoots one of them. How many are left?"
Little Johnny:- "None Miss".
Teacher:- "Could you tell me why?"
Little Johnny:- "Well Miss, when the farmer shot the bird, the sound of the gun would have frightened the other birds away".
Teacher:- "Well, the answer I was looking for was four. But I like your thinking."
Little Johnny:- "Miss, while we're asking questions, could I ask you one?"
Teacher:- "Its a bit irregular, but go on then"
Little Johnny:- "There are three women sitting on a bench in the park, eating ice lollies. One of them is licking the lolly; one is biting it; and one is putting it in and out of her mouth. Which one is married?"
Teacher (rather embarrassed):- "Err... I suppose it was the last one."
Little Johnny:- "Well I'd have said the one with the wedding ring. But I like your thinking."
Lil Johnny walks in on his mother on bouncing on top of daddy and asked mommy what was doing to daddy? She said: "I was tring to make daddy's tummy flat again." Johnny said: "It's not going to any good." "Why?", she asked. Johnny replied :" 'Cause when you go to work the babysitter is going to blow it back up"
So, after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, I lasted less than a day.... About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, ugly, mean-acting woman walked into the store woth her two kids, yelling obscenitied at them all the way through the entrance. As I had been instructed, I said plesantly: "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?" The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say: "Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?" So I replied: 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe that anyone would have sex with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."
 
|
