A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon.
"Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked.
"Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?"
So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?"
"No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.
When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?"
"No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."
The old pastor made it to a practice to visit the parish school one day a week.
He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name.
They came up with about 40 names.
He jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states.
One lad snickered, "Yes, but in those days there were only 13."
Leo, our neighbor, came home with a birdhouse one day.
My husband kidded him, asking how many birds could afford deluxe accommodations in our suburban neighborhood.
"Leave that to me," Leo replied.
Soon that birdhouse was dangling from a tree with a neat sign that read: "Room for wren--cheep."
An expectant father rang the hospital to see how his wife was getting on. By mistake he was connected to the Lord's cricket ground.
"How's it going?" he asked.
"Fine," came the answer, "We've got three out and hope to have the rest out before lunch. The last one was a duck."
The police were just doing their job. When someone called 911, then hung up, the police went to that location to see if there was a problem. It turns out that it was a motel where two drug dealers were staying in different rooms. One tried to call the other one in room 119, but dialed 911 by mistake.
Three boys on the playground were bragging about their dads. One said. "My dad scribbles a few words, calls it a song and they pay him 50 bucks."
"Oh, yah. My dad scribbles a few words, calls it a poem and they pay him 100 bucks."
"That's nothin'," said the third kid. My dad scribbles a few words, calls it a sermon and it takes six people to collect all the money!"
A little girl, dresses in her "Sunday best" was late and running to her Sunday school class. As she ran, she prayed, "Dear God, please don't let me be late. Dear God, please don't let me be late." Then she fell.
She got up, dusted her self off and saw that her dress was now dirty and had a little tear. She started running again, still praying, "Dear God, please don't let me be late." But this time she added, "But please don't push me, either!"
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor askes her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I mistakanly picked up the iron instead of the phone.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other."
"The bastard called again"
By the time Bobby arrived, the football game had already started. "Why are you so late?" asked his friend.
"I couldn't decide between going to church and going to the football game. So I tossed a coin," said Bobby.
"But that shouldn't have taken too long." said the friend.
"Well, I had to toss it 35 times."
With hurricanes, flooding, tornados, mud slides, fires out of control, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?