Dirty Jokes are OFF On
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03/10/2013 from zara5.2

Times change.

Recently there was a demonstration by a large number of students at several Howard County high schools in Columbia.

The students were protesting the fact the teachers got paid, when it was they who did all the work. 

03/10/2013 from Alice5.1

Success

A successful man is one who makes more money than can be spent by his wife.
A successful woman is one who can find that a man.

03/10/2013 from preston5.8

A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon.
"Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked.
"Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?"
So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?"
"No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.
When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?"
"No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."

03/10/2013 from will5.6

The old pastor made it to a practice to visit the parish school one day a week.

He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name.

They came up with about 40 names.

He jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states.

One lad snickered, "Yes, but in those days there were only 13."

03/10/2013 from Iris4.5

Leo, our neighbor, came home with a birdhouse one day.

My husband kidded him, asking how many birds could afford deluxe accommodations in our suburban neighborhood.

"Leave that to me," Leo replied.

Soon that birdhouse was dangling from a tree with a neat sign that read: "Room for wren--cheep."

03/10/2013 from linda4.8

An expectant father rang the hospital to see how his wife was getting on. By mistake he was connected to the Lord's cricket ground.

"How's it going?" he asked.

"Fine," came the answer, "We've got three out and hope to have the rest out before lunch. The last one was a duck."

03/10/2013 from Oscar T.5.1

The police were just doing their job. When someone called 911, then hung up, the police went to that location to see if there was a problem. It turns out that it was a motel where two drug dealers were staying in different rooms. One tried to call the other one in room 119, but dialed 911 by mistake.

03/10/2013 from Viktor5.5

A woman worries about the future -- until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future -- until he gets a wife.

03/10/2013 from omar5.3

Three boys on the playground were bragging about their dads. One said. "My dad scribbles a few words, calls it a song and they pay him 50 bucks."

"Oh, yah. My dad scribbles a few words, calls it a poem and they pay him 100 bucks."

"That's nothin'," said the third kid. My dad scribbles a few words, calls it a sermon and it takes six people to collect all the money!"

03/10/2013 from sidny5.6

A little girl, dresses in her "Sunday best" was late and running to her Sunday school class. As she ran, she prayed, "Dear God, please don't let me be late. Dear God, please don't let me be late." Then she fell.

She got up, dusted her self off and saw that her dress was now dirty and had a little tear. She started running again, still praying, "Dear God, please don't let me be late." But this time she added, "But please don't push me, either!"

03/09/2013 from Iris5.6

One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.

The doctor askes her what had happened.

She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I mistakanly picked up the iron instead of the phone.

"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other."

"The bastard called again"

03/09/2013 from teddy5

A poster read: "God is dead" - Nietzsche.
The graffiti underneath read: "Nietzsche is dead" - God.

03/09/2013 from olivia5.5

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

03/09/2013 from larry5.2

By the time Bobby arrived, the football game had already started. "Why are you so late?" asked his friend.

"I couldn't decide between going to church and going to the football game. So I tossed a coin," said Bobby.

"But that shouldn't have taken too long." said the friend.

"Well, I had to toss it 35 times."

03/09/2013 from Charlis5.5

An atheist scientist came to God and said, "We've figured out how to make a man without you."

God said, "OK, let me see you do it."

So the atheist bent down to the ground and scooped up a handful. But God stopped him and said, "Oh, no you don't. Get your own dirt!"

03/09/2013 from Sam DR5.6

The prospective son-in-law was asked by his girl friend's father, "Son, can you support a family?"

"Well, no, sir," he replied. "I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you have to fend for yourselves."

03/09/2013 from grage5.6

A boss asked one of his employees, "Do you believe in life after death?"

"Yes, sir," replied the new employee.

"I thought you would," said the boss. "Yesterday after you left to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you!"

03/09/2013 from peter dn.4.6

With hurricanes, flooding, tornados, mud slides, fires out of control, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

03/09/2013 from tim5.1

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets

03/09/2013 from shary5.1

A woman in her 50s was driving with a friend. She went through a red light. The friend didn't say anything. But then she went through another one. The friend said, "Do you realize you just went through two red lights?"

"Oh," she said, "was I driving?"

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