I have a beautiful young neighbor. She's single and lives right across the street. I can see her house from my family room. I watched as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street and up my driveway.

She knocked on my door and I rushed to open it. She looks at me and says, “I just got home, and I am so horny! I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk and make love all night long! Are you busy tonight?”

Without missing a heartbeat I immediately replied, “Nope, I'm free. I have no plans at all!” Then she said, “Good! In that case, could you watch my dog?" Man, it's no fun getting old!!!

What's in the box? A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up four cans and took them to the check out counter. The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat." The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food. The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food. Again the cashier said "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you dog food without proof that you have a dog. A lot of old people buy dog food to eat, but the management wants proof that you are buying the dog food for your dog." So she went home and brought in her dog. She then was able to buy the dog food. The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there." The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and quickly pulled it out. She said to the little old lady, "That smells like SHIT !!!." The little old lady said, "It is. I want to buy three rolls of toilet paper." Don't mess with old people.

"May I take your order?" the waiter asked. "Yes, how do you prepare your chickens?" "Nothing special sir," he replied. "We just tell them straight out that they're going to die."

Why does Peter Pan Fly?

You fly to if you got hit in the peter with a pan.

There was a scottsman and he was too drunk to walk home from the bar. He decides to lay down a park bench and sleep. Tomorrow he would walk home after he was sober. In the morning two little girls are walking by to go to school when they see he is wearing his kilt. One of the little girls get curious and decide to lift up his kilt. They see he's not wearing anything under his kilt so one of the little girls takes a blue ribbon out of her hair and ties it around his thing in a nice little bow. They put his kilt back down and go to school. A little while after the man wakes up and natures calling. He finds the nearest bush, lifts up his kilt and looks down. He says in his scotish accent, "I don't know where ya been but ya won first prize."