A middle age gentleman got an urge one day to do something that he always wanted to do, but never had the courage. He bought himself a brand new Corvette from a dealership. While driving his brand new Corvette on the interstate, a highway patrolman pulled in behind the middle age man in an attempt to pull him over.

He thought to himself "I can outrun this cop" and floored the accelerator, quickly picking up speed and starting to pull away from the cop. All of a sudden the middle age man realized that he was no longer a kid, and pulled the car over and waited for the highway patrolman.

The highway patrolman walked up to the brand new car smiling. He said "It is about the end of my shift, and I don't want anymore paperwork than what I already have. If you can give me an excuse that I have not already heard today on why you were driving so fast, I will let you go without a ticket".

The middle age man thought for a moment and then said "Well officer, about 10 years ago my wife ran off with a highway patrol and I just thought that you were trying to bring her back."

In an alcohol factory the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire. A drunkard with ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position. The director of the factory wondered how to send him away.

They tested him. They gave him a glass with a drink. He tried it and said: "It’s red wine, a muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers." "That’s correct", said the boss. Another glass. "It’s red wine, cabernet, eight years old, a southwestern slope, oak barrels." "Correct."

The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary to suggest something. She brought in a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it. "It’s a blonde, 26 years old, pregnant in the third month. And if you don’t give me the job, I’ll tell who’s the father!"

IRS

At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the IRS agent was checking the books, he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?" "Good question ," noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every once in a while, they send us a free roll." "Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way.

"What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?" "Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer and every so often they will send us a free bag of plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO. "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?" "Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick."

An 86-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his test results come back normal. The doctor says, " Gary everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?" Gary replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, *poof* the light goes on. When I'm done, *poof* the light goes off." "Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Gary 's wife. "Marianne, he says, Gary is doing fine but I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and *poof * the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, *poof* the light goes off?" "OH MY!" Marianne exclaims.!!!!" "He's peeing in the refrigerator again."

Little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little ticked off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks. "Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week.. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk." Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "You gonna tell him or should I?"