Dirty Jokes are OFF On
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09/02/2013 from catty5.5

The couple was dining out when the wife noticed a familiar face at the bar.

"Elliot," she said, pointing "do you see that man downing bourbon at the bar?" The husband looked over and nodded.

"Well," the woman continued, "he's been drinking like that for 10 years, ever since I jilted him!"

The husband returned to his meal. "Nonsense," he said, "even that's not worth so much celebrating!"

 

09/01/2013 from alexis4.9

 

A : So I just watched this film where a mans wife is brutally murdered by a serial killer and his son is left physically disabled. In a twisted turn of events his son is kidnapped and he has to chase the kidnapper thousands of miles with the help of a mentally disabled woman.
B : uhhhhhh
B: What was it called ?
A: Finding Nemo
 

09/01/2013 from paco5.5

 

Three mice were being chased by a cat.

The mice were cornered when one of the mice turned around and barked, "Ruff! Ruff! Ruff!" The surprised cat ran away scared.

Later when the mice told their mother what happened, she smiled and said, "You see, it pays to be bilingual!"
 

09/01/2013 from martina5.8

 

Wife: "What are you doing?"

Husband: "Nothing."

Wife: "Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour."

Husband: "I was looking for the expiration date."

 

08/31/2013 from Louis Elefant5.7

A Polish Man, An Irish Man and Frenchmen all got hired to clear a forest of the trees. They were all given saws.

At lunch break the Frenchmen asks the Irishmen "How many trees you cut?" "42."

"How many you cut?" "36" - he says.

The Polish man says: "I'd better eat a bigger breakfast tomorrow, I only cut 27." The Frenchmen and Irishmen look at each other and say "Just think of how many he would have cut if he had turned the saw on."

 

08/31/2013 from joe5.2

 

Her teenage son was having trouble mastering the fine points of balancing his new checking account.  "The bank returned the check you wrote to the sporting goods store," she said.

"Oh good," he said, "Now I can use it to buy some stereo equipment!"

 

08/30/2013 from frederick5.3

An irritated father complained to his golf buddy. "When I was a kid, my parents sent me to my room without supper if I misbehaved. But my son has his own color TV, telephone,computer, and CD player in his room!"

"So how do you handle it?" his friend asked."I send him to MY room!"

 

08/30/2013 from evan5.3

A young man was having some money problems, and needed $200 to get his car fixed and road-worthy again. But had run out of people to borrow from. So, he calls his parents via the operator, and reverses the charge and says to his dad, "I need to borrow two hundred dollars."At the other end, his father says, "Sorry, I can`t hear you, son, I think there may be a bad line."

The boy shouts, "Two hundred. I need two hundred dollars!""Sorry, I still can`t hear you clearly," says his father.

The operator cuts in, "Sorry to butt in, but I can hear him perfectly."

The father says, "Oh, good. YOU send him the money!"

 

 
08/30/2013 from Dave5.3

I took my wife to a dog show last week, she finished in 3rd place.

08/29/2013 from vivian5.5

Peter called his doctor`s office for an appointment. "I`m sorry, said the receptionist, "we can`t fit you in for at least two weeks.

"But I could be dead by then!
 
"No problem. If your wife lets us know, we`ll cancel the appointment.
 
08/29/2013 from carolina5.7

His pediatrician asked six-year-old Johnny, who watched a good many TV, adds, just to make conversation. Johnny, if you found a couple of dollars and had to spend them, what would you buy?

"A box of Tampax, he replied without hesitation.
 
"Tampax? said the doctor. "What would you do with that?
 
"Well, said Johnny, "I do not know exactly, but it`s sure worth two dollars. With tampax, it says on TV, you can go swimming, go horseback riding, and also go skating, any time you want to."
 
 
08/29/2013 from jen5.3

Little Johnny was being questioned by the teacher during an arithmetic lesson. "If you had ten dollars,"said the teacher, "and I asked you for a loan of eight dollars, how much would you have left?"

"Ten," said Little Johnny firmly. "Ten?" the teacher said "How do you make it ten?"

"Well," replied Little Johnny "You may ask for a loan of eight dollars, but that doesn`t mean you`ll get it!"

 

 
08/28/2013 from judy5.1

A hospital posted a notice in the nurse`s lounge saying: "Remember, the first five minutes of a human being`s life are the most dangerous."

Underneath, a nurse had written: "The last five are pretty risky, too."

 
08/28/2013 from byron5.3

''I`m getting a divorce,'' said Jim to his mate,Sam. ˜The wife hasn`t spoken with me for six months.''

Sam thought for a moment and then replied, "Just make sure you know what you`re doing, Jim. Wives like that are hard to find.''
 
08/28/2013 from lilian5.3

A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"

Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."

The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

 
08/27/2013 from sandy5.2
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
 
The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
 
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
 
"I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?" 
 
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of you, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."
 
The woman below responded, "You must be in management."
 
08/27/2013 from brad4.9

A man who worked in a cruise liner as a magician had a parrot and every time the man did a trick the parrot yelled, "it`s in the pocket, "it`s in the pocket, the magician would do another trick and the parrot yelled, "it`s in the hat, "it`s in the hat."

One day during his act the cruise liner had a problem and the ship sunk. The parrot came up from the water and looking confused said; "NOW WHERE DID HE HIDE THE SHIP?"
 
 
08/27/2013 from maureen5.6

A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be Gods!

A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a God!
 
08/26/2013 from linda5.4

A man in a hurry taking his eight-year-old son to school made a turn at a red light where it was prohibited.

"Uh-oh, I think I just made an illegal turn!" the man said.

"It`s okay, Dad," the boy said, "The police car right behind us did the same thing."

 

08/26/2013 from marco5.1

One morning the phone rang at 3:00 a.m. in Jeff`s house.

He picked up the phone and a woman asked, "Is this 555-1111?"

"No, this is 555-1112."Jeff replied.

"Oh, I`m so sorry for disturbing you." The woman said.

"That`s alright," Jeff said. "I had to get up to answer the phone anyway."

 

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