The couple was dining out when the wife noticed a familiar face at the bar.
"Elliot," she said, pointing "do you see that man downing bourbon at the bar?" The husband looked over and nodded.
"Well," the woman continued, "he's been drinking like that for 10 years, ever since I jilted him!"
The husband returned to his meal. "Nonsense," he said, "even that's not worth so much celebrating!"
A : So I just watched this film where a mans wife is brutally murdered by a serial killer and his son is left physically disabled. In a twisted turn of events his son is kidnapped and he has to chase the kidnapper thousands of miles with the help of a mentally disabled woman.
B : uhhhhhh
B: What was it called ?
A: Finding Nemo
Three mice were being chased by a cat.
The mice were cornered when one of the mice turned around and barked, "Ruff! Ruff! Ruff!" The surprised cat ran away scared.
Later when the mice told their mother what happened, she smiled and said, "You see, it pays to be bilingual!"
A Polish Man, An Irish Man and Frenchmen all got hired to clear a forest of the trees. They were all given saws.
At lunch break the Frenchmen asks the Irishmen "How many trees you cut?" "42."
"How many you cut?" "36" - he says.
The Polish man says: "I'd better eat a bigger breakfast tomorrow, I only cut 27." The Frenchmen and Irishmen look at each other and say "Just think of how many he would have cut if he had turned the saw on."
An irritated father complained to his golf buddy. "When I was a kid, my parents sent me to my room without supper if I misbehaved. But my son has his own color TV, telephone,computer, and CD player in his room!"
"So how do you handle it?" his friend asked."I send him to MY room!"
A young man was having some money problems, and needed $200 to get his car fixed and road-worthy again. But had run out of people to borrow from. So, he calls his parents via the operator, and reverses the charge and says to his dad, "I need to borrow two hundred dollars."At the other end, his father says, "Sorry, I can`t hear you, son, I think there may be a bad line."
The boy shouts, "Two hundred. I need two hundred dollars!""Sorry, I still can`t hear you clearly," says his father.
The operator cuts in, "Sorry to butt in, but I can hear him perfectly."
The father says, "Oh, good. YOU send him the money!"
His pediatrician asked six-year-old Johnny, who watched a good many TV, adds, just to make conversation. Johnny, if you found a couple of dollars and had to spend them, what would you buy?
Little Johnny was being questioned by the teacher during an arithmetic lesson. "If you had ten dollars,"said the teacher, "and I asked you for a loan of eight dollars, how much would you have left?"
"Ten," said Little Johnny firmly. "Ten?" the teacher said "How do you make it ten?"
"Well," replied Little Johnny "You may ask for a loan of eight dollars, but that doesn`t mean you`ll get it!"
A man who worked in a cruise liner as a magician had a parrot and every time the man did a trick the parrot yelled, "it`s in the pocket, "it`s in the pocket, the magician would do another trick and the parrot yelled, "it`s in the hat, "it`s in the hat."
A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be Gods!
One morning the phone rang at 3:00 a.m. in Jeff`s house.
He picked up the phone and a woman asked, "Is this 555-1111?"
"No, this is 555-1112."Jeff replied.
"Oh, I`m so sorry for disturbing you." The woman said.
"That`s alright," Jeff said. "I had to get up to answer the phone anyway."