There are 4 people on an airplane: the pilot, the smartest man in the world, a preacher, and a teenager. About halfway through the flight the engines cut out so they're going to have to exit the plane. The problem: there were only 3 parachutes. They are arguing about who is going to get a parachute.

The pilot yells: "I'm married and have 4 kids! My family needs me!" So he grabs a 'chute, puts it on, and jumps out of the plane.

The 'smartest man in the world yells: "I'm the smartest man in the world needs me!", puts on a  'chute and jumps out of the plane.

The preacher turns to the teenager and says: "Well son. I' ve lived a long life; I know where I'm going when I die. You take the last parachute." "Sir, there are 2 parachutes left", the kid says.

The preacher scratches his head and asks: "How could there be 2 parachutes left?" "Well", the teen says, "the smartest man in the world just jumped out with my backpack".

An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her husband's sex drive. "What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor. "Not a chance," says Mrs.. Murphy. "He won't even take an aspirin for a headache." "No problem," replies the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee, he won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how you got on."

A week later Mrs.Murphy returns to the doctor and he inquires as to how things went. "Oh it was terrible, just terrible doctor." "What happened?" asks the doctor. "Well I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee.

The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible." "What was terrible?" said the doctor, "was the sex not good?" "Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years, but I'll never be able to show my face in McDonald's again."

This lady comes home from a routine check up and tells her husband: "The doctor says that I have the body of a twenty year old" The husband says: "Well, did he say anything about that FAT ASS of yours?" She says: "No, your name didn't come up at all.."

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ... and she's always sound asleep."