A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting. The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver--"PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "SCARF!"
A candidate on the campaign trail was speaking to a voter following a debate. "Yes, I used to be in politics myself." The voter said. "I was a dog catcher in my town for two years, but then lost the job." "Change of Mayors?" the candidate asked sympathetically. "No. I finally caught the dog."
Bill sat alone in the hospital room at his dying wife's beside. It was difficult to hear her above the many life sustaining devices, as her voice was little more than a hoarse whisper. "Bill darling," she breathed. "I've got a confession to make before I go... I ... I'm the one who took the $10,000 from your safe in the house ... I spent it on a fling with your best friend Jimmy. And it was I who forced your mistress to leave the community in utter disgrace. I'm afraid I also was the one who reported you to the IRS for income tax evasion..."
"That's all right dearest; don't even give it a second thought." said Bill. "I have a small confession too. I'm the one who poisoned you."
Visiting the modern art museum, a lady turned to an attendant standing nearby. "This," she said, "I suppose, is one of those hideous representations you call modern art?" "No, madam," replied the attendant. "That one's called a mirror."
 
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