A little boy is sitting on Santa's lap, Santa says to him: "Well young man, what would you like for Christmas?" The little boy replies: "I want a fuck'n swingset out in the back yard!" "Well," Santa says, "you aren't gonna get anything talking like that, now , lets try this again. What is it that you would like?" I wanna fuckn sandbox for my side yard."
Santa is getting really upset with the boy, "You cannot use language like that, one more time, what would you like?" "Give me a fuckn Trampoline for our front yard," the boy replied!
Santa yanks the boy offf his lap, walks over to the boys father and tells the father if he knows how to stop him from swearing. "How?" replies the father. Santa tells him to get some dog poop and place it on the three spots in the yard where the boy wanted his swingset, sandbox, and trampoline.
Christmas morning the boy runs down stairs, nothing under the tree, he checks the backyard, sideyard, and front yard, dad see's the boy looking around and ask him what he got. The boy say's: "Santa got me a dog, I just don't know where he fuckn hid it !!"
Doctor: I'll give it to you straight. You only have ten to live.
Patient: Ten what? Years? months?
Doctor: Nine... Eight... Seven....
A little old lady walked into the main branch of the Chase Manhattan Bank with a large paper bag in her hand. She told the clerk at the Teller Window that she wished to deposit the 3 million dollars she had in the bag and open an account with the bank.
She said that first though, she wished to meet the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank due to the amount of money involved. The teller looked in the bag and upon seeing the bundles of $1,000 Bills, decided to telephone the Bank President.
The Bank President told the Clerk to send the lady right in. The lady was ushered right into the Presidents huge office. Introductions were made and the lady stated, “The reason I wanted to meet you is, I like to get to know the people I do business with on a more personal level.” The Bank President asked her, “How did you come into such a large sum, is it from playing the Stock Market?” “ Heavens No”, said the little old lady, “I Place Bets!” “You Bet?”, stammered the President, “On the Horses?” “No,” said the old lady, “I Bet on people. In fact, I will bet you $25,000 that by 10 AM tomorrow morning, you will have a square scrotum." “Are you nuts?” He asked the old lady. “I will just take you up on that bet”. He didn’t see any way he could lose that bet, but for the rest of the day, the Bank President decided to take it very easy, after all $25,000 was at stake.
When the President got out of bed the next morning and took his daily shower, he checked to make sure that everything was Okay there. There was no difference, of course. He went to his Bank and waited in his offic3e for the little old lady to show up..
Sure enough, 10 AM arrived and the little Old Lady was ushered into the President’s office. The President was thinking that this would be a very good day-How often do you get handed $25,000 for nothing?
With the old lady was a much younger man, who she introduced as her Attorney. She always took him along whenever a transaction involved this amount of money. “So, How did our bet go?” “I don’t know how to tell you this, but I am the same as I always was,” Chuckled the Bank President, “Only $25,000 Richer.”
“Before I hand over the money, I want to see for myself”, said the Little Old Lady. Without even hesitating, the Bank President stood up and dropped his trousers and shorts. The Old Lady instructed him to turn around and bend over, and grabbed him by the scrotum. Everything was fine.
The President looked up and saw the Attorney Banging his Head against the Wall. “What is wrong with him?, the President asked. “Well”, said the Little Old Lady, I bet him $100.000 that by 10:15 this Morning, I’d have the President of Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls.”
A man has recently died and before he passed he requested that he wanted to take all his money with him and the wife promised that would be no problem.
So at the funeral one of her friends asked the wife as she was viewing the body, why there was a drawer below the casket. And she replied, "Oh, my husband wanted to take all his money with him so I wrote him a check."
 
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