A woman on her death bed asks her husband to rush home and get a wooden box out from under their bed. The man retuns home, gets the box out from under the bed and opens it to find 3 eggs and $7000.00 in cash.

He returns to the hospitial and asks his wife: "Honey, why are there 3 eggs and $7000.00 in cash?" She replied: "Well, over our 35 years of marriage whenever we had bad lovemaking I would put an egg in the box." So, immediately the husband thought of himself as a love machine.

And he asked her then: "Well, what is the money for?" And she replied: "Everytime I got a dozen eggs I sold them!!!!"

A skinny white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this huge guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch cock, 3 pounds of testicles. Turner Brown." The little guy faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and shaking him: "What's wrong with you?" In a weak voice th elitle guy says: "What exactly did you say to me?" The big dude says: "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me: I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 lbs, I have a 20 inch cock and my testicles weigh 3lbs each, and my name is Turner Brown." The small guy says: "Turner Brown?! Sweet Jesus, I THOUGHT YOU SAID 'TURN AROUND'."

A woman was nagging her husband that he needs to cut the grass, the husband answer was: "What do I look like to you? A landscaper?" Next time the sink was dripping, she asked him again: "Honey, can you fix the faucet? The husband replied: "What do I look like to you? A Plumber?" 2 days later a light bulb goes out, she begged him again: "Honey, can you change the light bulb?" His reply was: "What am I? An electrician?"

Few days later he comes home from work and the lawn is cut, the faucet is fixed, the light bulb is changed. He is very surprised. "Honey! What happened here?" The wife replied: "You know, we have this new neighbour next door, and he came over and fixed everything." The husband said: "Honey! And how did you pay him?!?" "Oh, you know, the wife said: "He told me that I can either bake a cake or have sex with him." "Yeah, Honey!? So what kind of a cake did you bake for him?" "Who do you think I am? Betty Crocker?"

One night my friends asked me to out with them. I told my wife that I would be home by midnight. Hours passed and the beers went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m.(a bit loaded) I headed home.

Just as I walked in the door the cookoo clock chimmed 3 times. Afraid that my wife would wake up I quickly cucooed 9 more times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with a quick witted solution.

The next morning my wife asked me what time I had got in. I said: "MIDNIGHT, Like I Said!" She seemed fine with my answer, so I thought that I had gotten away with it. Then my wife promptly told me that we needed to get a new cuckoo clock, I asked why and she said: "Well, last night our cuckoo clock cuckooed 3 times, said oh crap, cuckooed 4 times, cleared its throat, cuckooed 3 more times, giggled, cuckooed 2 more times, then tripped over the coffee table and farted."